The Secrets Shining Through

I fucking hate myself. I am a fat useless mess. Everyone says I am skinny. But spare me your sugar coated comments... i dont like sugar anyways. I can see in a mirror. I am not blind. I look down and all I see is disgusting fat. Four slices of pizza. Just because I dont want his friends knowing I am a fucking weirdo who is too scared to eat because I might gain a few pounds. I cannot go back above 100. I would cry for days. God damn it when did I lose control? I feeel like throwing up everything I have ever eaten in my entire life. I never want to know the taste of cheese. Or real butter. I dont want to taste pasta. I dont want to eat. At ALL. I fucking hate that it is a needed thing for survival. I want to take a pill that makes the hunger stop. Makes the noises of a grumbling stomach quiet. I dont want food. I enjoy cooking but not for myself. I am a fat nasty mess. I cannot have anorexia because I do eat food. I cannot have bulimia because I dont purge. I cant have EDNOS becasue I dont believe in new medicine. Fuck my motherfucking pathetic fucking excuse for a fucking life. FUCK. I hate myself. I hate what I do. I hate my friends, if I can call them that. I drink tea all day long and nothing happens. I end up smoking weed way to much then munching on shit that I dont like. I mean i do smoke weed to help my supposed ED but fat asses like myself do not have fucking eating disorders. I am fucking disgusting. Moooooooooooo, you fucking cow. Now dont eat for the next five fucking days.

Getting Away

Could this really be how I am seeing myself? I look down and see fat. All I see is fat. I am disgusting.

What I Am

Looks like you're back in my life trying to do the right thing.
You can’t break what has already been broken.
Lessons I learned not too long ago. I feel bad but not for you.
But I will welcome you with open arms because I know things have changed.
So many things have changed...

I learned how to be a liar and a better one than you.
I learned how to break those little hearts too.
I chose to walk through your door.
I won't be making that mistake anymore.

Studying the thousands of reasons why I didn’t know what to do.
The poverty of my imagination shocked me.
Guess I missed everything the first time, but I know better now.
I won't hate you for what you put me through.
But you were wrong to think I wouldn’t learn to be just like you.
Do you remember the lies you told me? Or do you suffer a short term memory?
Loving you again will be so much fun.

I learned how to be a liar and a better one than you.
I learned how to break those pathetic hearts too.
I chose to give you my heart before.
I won't be making that mistake anymore.

 I go out at night now too. And no, I won't tell you what we do.
Yes, I keep a straight face when I lie about who I’m talking too.
I remember the times I hesitated; the suspicion killing me inside.
Watch as I shift the blame on you when I am the one who is wrong.
And I know now; I won’t put myself in your place.
Let's do this all over again. Now you'll really see me.
So much has really changed.

And this is only the beginning.

I am all I can ever be.





Sounds In a Voice

          Promise me you won't ever forget us, and everything we tried to be. Don't forget the laughter and the nights when we both just needed to be held.  Don't forget how you felt when you said you loved me, and don't forget the way you looked into my eyes because I knew you meant it. Don't forget that I'll always love you, even if I don't need you the way that I used to. I don't regret anything I did, because if things had happened differently then I wouldn't have met you, I wouldn't have fallen in love with you, and I wouldn’t be trying to get over you now.
        So I'm sorry that I can't go on with you. And this letter might be something I'll regret, but I'm already somebody's lover. We just haven’t found each other yet. You really don't know how hard it is to get over you when every time I see you my heart begins to smile. I know I’ll be okay without you. I just keep choosing to ignore it. And so now I've finally gotten the courage to give up and to start letting go of you. And no, I haven't moved on to another guy; I've just decided to move on. I understand that we can't be. You've hurt me too much, but I will never hold any bitterness toward you. You were a very special part of my life. I'll walk away from you this very last time, and I'll never look back. It may’ve made me sad and annoyed you but, I know you'll live. You won't hurt, you won't cry, so don't try to make me think I'm affecting your life at all anymore.
          I once told you I'd never say good-bye, and then I started slipping in a puddle of my own tears. Well, isn’t that a shock?  I guess I was just naive. Maybe it didn't mean so much to you, but it meant everything to me.
           As I watched you walk away from me the last time we saw each other, I watched every dream I had never dreamed with you, I saw every wish that was yet to come true, I felt every ounce of the love in my heart, I knew it all when I saw you walk away... and I know you knew it too, because you took all of me with you when you left.
               You once were my everything... the reason I woke up in the morning.  Just the thought of you brought a smile to my face that could last for days. The sound of your voice brought chills throughout my body. You made me the happiest that I could have ever been. And for that I am truly thankful.
      Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love, but rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along and I want to thank you for showing me that. I was wrong when I fought with you. I acted horrible.
   Jealousy is a funny thing.  I never considered myself such jealous person but I guess you just brought out traits in myself I never knew I even possessed. I should have just walked away from you the day you let me go. It’s been hell living without you. But as long as you're happy, I know I can deal with the consequences.
             Maybe I was just a stepping stone for you to get to that point in your life where you'd figure out what you wanted, or didn't want. So to prove to you that I truly love you and all I want is for you to be happy, I'll walk away and let you go. It’s just harder for me than it is for you, I guess. Sometimes I wonder why when I see you, it makes my whole day better, but other times when I see you it brings tears to my eyes…But I know why.  It’s because I love you. And it hurts to see all these couples everywhere. Holding hands, kissing or even just looking at each other with this burning light in their eyes. It's so wonderful, but makes me so jealous at the same time, because all the things they have, I wanted so badly with you. But I want you to know that I don't regret a single moment I spent on you. The hardest thing I'll ever have to do was walk away still loving you.
 Finally, I see that my happiness doesn't mean having you. My happiness comes from your happiness. And if you can be happy without me, then I can be happy without you. And I know when these days are gone, when all the love we gave to each other slowly fades away, when your beautiful smile is only here as a dream, and when the words 'I love you' are simply sounds of our past, I will always have the memories that were once moments we shared, and I will always know that no matter what, I got the chance to be loved by you. And to me that is the greatest gift you could have ever given me.
       I guess I fought with you so much because it hadn’t really sunk in yet. I hadn’t totally realized that you pushed me out of your heart forever, but I know that you did because I felt a pain like nothing I have ever felt before. I know we can't talk anymore. It's not that I’m mad at you or you’re mad at me, it's  just that whenever I talk to you, I realize how much I love you. And whenever you talk to me, I realize how much you don’t love me anymore. And when I realize how much I love you, I also realize that we can never be together….Which just makes me love you more.
      But I don’t regret any of it. Because I know that if I never met you, I wouldn't have ever liked you. If I never liked you, I wouldn't have fallen in love with you. If I had never loved you, I wouldn't miss you.  But, I did, I do, and I will. More than you will ever be able to imagine. When I see you smile in pictures or with familiar friends and know that it's not for me, that’s when I realize that I miss you the most. But I want to be the one you're waiting for, not the one waiting for you.  I just I never knew how quickly I would go from someone that you once loved so much to someone you used to know.
              I know I'll have another chance, I'll find another guy, I'll see another day, I'll build another world. I know I'll find another life just like you told me too.  I'll find another love, but there will never be another you. And it makes me a little sad, but I made a promise to myself not to keep on loving you. Because I can't make you love me if you don't.  I can't make your heart feel something if it won't feel anymore. You were the treasure in my hand. You were the one who always stood beside me. So unaware, I foolishly believed that you would always be there. But then that day came where I turned my head and you had slipped away.
    I’ll never know if it hurts you to know that we haven't spoken to each other in days… I’ll never know if it hurts you to know that I can’t look into your eyes without looking away.  And I will never know if it hurts you to know that everything we had as lovers is gone now forever. But maybe that’s a good thing. I don’t want to see you hurt. So I'm sorry if I made you cry, I'm sorry if tears fell from your eyes, it’s really not at all what I intended to do. But I never wish I hadn’t met you, because then.  I would go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there. Sometimes I look back and wonder if you ever looked at me the way I looked at you. Sometimes l think of you and I wonder if you ever think of me. And one day I'll remember how I fell in love with you and wonder if you ever really fell in love with me. I know you did because your love for me was like trying to touch a star, you knew you could never reach it, but you couldn’t help but try. 

So really, I want to thank you for breaking my heart as gently as you could. =]



Surrendering Loudly

"You are new and near now to someone you used to love when you were younger. When all was gold and you two touched and felt the flutter beaneath your skin. You stood together in glowing rooms, the light dripping from the both of you. And nothing since has felt more radiant or real."

          When I took your hand, you grasped onto my fingers so tightly; knowing we were so young and completely uncontrolled. Our eyes were masked by the obscenities that became our views of love and lust. Guided by no one and listening only to the voices as they screamed instructions into our subconscious so loudly the blood began to pool in the ear canals. Your mind became my playground where I went to be free; to let my thoughts overtake your actions. I would love to watch as my sentences flew away into the dusty fields, disappearing behind dark clouds of poor timing and bad luck, then back out again- landing upon the wooden chest where you tried to stow away your secrets. Just like yours, the chest bore its scars proudly, but once I had shattered the lock that held it tight and opened its creaking lid enough to smell the stale air trapped inside, I found myself closing it just as quickly.
               My hands shook and the wind licked at my face. A smells fills the air, musky and low, as your hands slither across my trembling torso; taking it into your own.  Our bodies could dance to the rhythm of passion for hours without our brains even having a slight interest of what the physical world is partaking in. We became lost inside a world that didn’t exist if you thought about it. Depleted of real earthly attributes we flew as the birds walked. I held onto you more tightly then my own fleeting sanity. I buried it a long time ago in hopes someday you would come along. One day we will retrieve it. See its decaying flesh as I try to regain what I once had, before you came back into my life. What used to seem like nothing has been canceled out by the need to feel validated by anyone at all times. As we grow together, we separate further like the deepest parts of the ocean floors; where the dying land gives way to new life as solid as rock.
              Suddenly I am no longer the same person and you have no meaning to me. Your voice yelled about everything as I forced myself to put on an the sincere charade I passed off as love and long hours clocked-in, trying to earn their due to get out my lust. My heart beat mimics drums from deep within the jungles of old. Marching beats carry my conscience through the difficult tragedy I find myself in. The labyrinth can be so much darker than expected from previous close call encounters and even after the various discussions towards preparation I had been forced to bleed for; I was not ready to feel this alone.

She Thinks That Bothers Me

"You're just jealous... because I got better... because I was released... because I have a chance... at a life." --

"They didn't release you 'cause you're better, they just gave up. You call this a life, hmm? Taking (his) money, buying your shit and your knick-knacks... You changed the scenery, but not the fucking situation - and the warden makes house calls. And everybody knows. Everybody knows... That he fucks you. What they don't know... is that you like it. Hmm? You like it."--

I do like it. And I hate myself for it. Fuck I have no idea what I am talking about.

Apocalypse

An Apocalypse (Greek: ἀποκάλυψις apokálypsis; "lifting of the veil" or "revelation") is a disclosure of something hidden from the majority of mankind in an era dominated by falsehood and misconception, i.e. the veil to be lifted.
--

Have you ever thought of it? It could mean anything. Aliens finally making world-wide contact. Some religious figure ascending from the sky. 2012. I have been thinking alot about it lately and in each conclusion I find that I die waay to early. I am not a survivor. I also feel like the earth will be just fine. Humans, our entire race, may be wiped out eventually but the earth will regain its stability to begin rebuilding what we have so successfully destroyed. We are just a plague. A minor invasion here on earth. This too shall pass.