The Secrets Shining Through

I fucking hate myself. I am a fat useless mess. Everyone says I am skinny. But spare me your sugar coated comments... i dont like sugar anyways. I can see in a mirror. I am not blind. I look down and all I see is disgusting fat. Four slices of pizza. Just because I dont want his friends knowing I am a fucking weirdo who is too scared to eat because I might gain a few pounds. I cannot go back above 100. I would cry for days. God damn it when did I lose control? I feeel like throwing up everything I have ever eaten in my entire life. I never want to know the taste of cheese. Or real butter. I dont want to taste pasta. I dont want to eat. At ALL. I fucking hate that it is a needed thing for survival. I want to take a pill that makes the hunger stop. Makes the noises of a grumbling stomach quiet. I dont want food. I enjoy cooking but not for myself. I am a fat nasty mess. I cannot have anorexia because I do eat food. I cannot have bulimia because I dont purge. I cant have EDNOS becasue I dont believe in new medicine. Fuck my motherfucking pathetic fucking excuse for a fucking life. FUCK. I hate myself. I hate what I do. I hate my friends, if I can call them that. I drink tea all day long and nothing happens. I end up smoking weed way to much then munching on shit that I dont like. I mean i do smoke weed to help my supposed ED but fat asses like myself do not have fucking eating disorders. I am fucking disgusting. Moooooooooooo, you fucking cow. Now dont eat for the next five fucking days.

Getting Away

Could this really be how I am seeing myself? I look down and see fat. All I see is fat. I am disgusting.

What I Am

Looks like you're back in my life trying to do the right thing.
You can’t break what has already been broken.
Lessons I learned not too long ago. I feel bad but not for you.
But I will welcome you with open arms because I know things have changed.
So many things have changed...

I learned how to be a liar and a better one than you.
I learned how to break those little hearts too.
I chose to walk through your door.
I won't be making that mistake anymore.

Studying the thousands of reasons why I didn’t know what to do.
The poverty of my imagination shocked me.
Guess I missed everything the first time, but I know better now.
I won't hate you for what you put me through.
But you were wrong to think I wouldn’t learn to be just like you.
Do you remember the lies you told me? Or do you suffer a short term memory?
Loving you again will be so much fun.

I learned how to be a liar and a better one than you.
I learned how to break those pathetic hearts too.
I chose to give you my heart before.
I won't be making that mistake anymore.

 I go out at night now too. And no, I won't tell you what we do.
Yes, I keep a straight face when I lie about who I’m talking too.
I remember the times I hesitated; the suspicion killing me inside.
Watch as I shift the blame on you when I am the one who is wrong.
And I know now; I won’t put myself in your place.
Let's do this all over again. Now you'll really see me.
So much has really changed.

And this is only the beginning.

I am all I can ever be.